It's been a long time since I posted here. I didn't really want to open my blog since opening it meant that I needed to continue to update it dutifully. But even then, I needed a channel for me to open up and voice out everything, all my heartfelt feelings that I needed to let out which I can't do it on Facebook or Twitter. The best thing is, nobody will ever read this post so this is the best way for me to let out my emotions that I have bottled up for so long.
Its really tiring to be continually compared to your over-achieving sibling. It's not my fault that I can't do as well as him. But I don't see a need in your differential treatment. Just because he's smarter doesn't mean I am treated much worse. What can I even do so that you will actually accept me into this family? Its always the same feeling when I come home: Unfamiliar, ominous and depressed. I already have enough stress in school and in my life. Ranting here won't actually enable you to treat me better. I have resigned to my fate. Just remember, I have gone suicidal many times thanks to this family. I have had enough. I'm already 17. If you're not going to let go, I will probably use whatever I'm writing here into an emotional weapon.
Please. Do you really think I enjoy being in the ex-co? Its one of the worse decisions I ever made in my entire life. Whenever I see your text, I'm always praying that you will stop asking me to do those stupid stuff. Can't all these wait till after promos? Is it really so important now? Just because you are in the honors roll doesn't mean everybody is as smart as you. Please. Stop. Now. And stop sending those stupid text message because it's just plain annoying. I know you're a nice guy, but, still, stop everything. I really can't take it anymore.
I confided in you guys because I thought I could have a shoulder (or shoulders) to lie on. Instead, it was just a cold splash of reality. Really? Was that really necessary? Even if you guys wanted to insult me or doubt me, couldn't you do it behind my back or something? Not when I'm in full view? I was already so so fucking upset yet you made it worse. I mean like, I'm thankful for the support that was always rendered but yesterday was too much. I'm an ESFJ, I'm a "feeling person" that cannot withstand blunt comments. Its not my fault, its my nature. Yet, I was slapped repeatedly in the face so many times yesterday. Thanks for saying all those seriously. I really needed a wake-up call. If you are going to be so skeptical about everything, then its too bad. If you actually knew me, you wouldn't be saying these stuff. Seriously. Thinking I like girl, not that I really like her but for the sake of liking? Firstly, I'm not desperate. I came from a mixed school so I get to see girls all the time. If I really wanted to have stead, shouldn't I already have one instead of waiting for a girl for a year? (and probably longer) Would I be so emotional when I know somebody liked her? If you really know me, you wouldn't be saying those kind of stuff. And for goodness sake, use some common sense. If you know a person is in low spirits, shouldn't you comfort him/her before telling him what's wrong when he's feeling better? A stab in the heart was already enough, but a flurry of blades into the heart again? So what if I'm a guy? I'm human too, I have feelings, and probably the guy who will be affected the most. Yet? Really, that was probably the last time I will actually bother to share my personal stuff with you guys. The last time.
Loving a person is so painful. Love, does it even exist? It probably doesn't when you have people saying that you love a person just because I feel guilty, or I just wanted a companion. There are so many things I want to say, but even then, its probably too late. Although I said I would wait, I never regretted my choice. If that guy really likes you and you feel the same way, go ahead. If I really didn't like you, I may probably hang on to false hope, but if you're happy, then really go ahead. That one year to me was nothing. My feelings were nothing too. Its okay.
At this time, my life is totally directionless. A week before, I wanted to do well with you, show you my best side, but now, really what am I even living on this planet for? For people to repeatedly mock me? Continue stabbing me in my heart? To undergo endless humiliation and yet having to put up with it? I never believe in best friends, but at this time of my life, I will probably never believe in friends too. Being popular is not equals to you having more friends. Maybe, you would have a larger social circle, fame, reputation but when you're down, they will all leave you someday. The people who keep smiling too, are that feel sad the most times. We have to hide our feelings, put on our masks to make others happy, but who actually makes us happy?
In this competitive society, its everybody against you. If you're left alone in the dust, which idiot will actually bother helping you up again? After yesterday, I've become more paranoid of life, more skeptical in my perceptions. This just the way the world works. Money makes the world go round, not relationships, friendships etc. Right now, I have so much against me: Family, CCA, Love, Friends... Who can actually count on to? To relieve me of my burden? No one. No one will actually give a shit about you. As long as you can get the job done, they praise and admire you. If not, who actually cares?
The song I just composed today was originally for you. Really. All the songs that I have composed were all based on thinking of you before actually carving out one note at a time, carefully and storing all my feelings in it. Now, looking at it, it's probably a useless piece of paper. I'm tired really, of everything in my life. I always looked out of the window and wondered why, why am I still here? If I could use my life in exchange of the removal of all my problems and burdens, that my life is yours to take.
If anyone actually reads this post and is actually the people I'm referring to, direct all your frustrations to me really. Anyway, I have nothing left for you to take. Just be angry with me. Start to be cold to me, push me away or something. I'm tired of life.
i am a stereotype kind of person and a human dynamite, don't trigger me- i may explode anytime. I explode in your face just like potassium when it touches water, it's really explosive, you should really run away first before I do spark into flames and burn you alive! AN EXQUISITE ELEMENT of the periodic table, unlikely you'll ever know. I hate people who do not study for exams, i am looking for next year's exemption :D optimistic, there'll always be a rainbow after a rain, no matter how aggressive the rain is, i am not angst either, people like to have the "wrong mentality". insight of my profile :D I play the saxophone in Kranji Symphonic Band...and band totally rocks my world:D hello once again, i have been having nightmares. I am eating CIGAR ROLLS, they are vanilla flavoured and just finished my bowl of ice cream which tasted so mixed, haha but it was niceto me (: I like mix of flavours like suddenly a RIOT of colors and A EXPLOSION of taste! I mean like it's really impactful come to think about it, cos im damn busy now so i shall rush typing finish this retarded paragraph. like hello! ello! buhello! andrew will go on HIATUS soon. and i am so emo, i feel like slashing my wrist now, it's true and don't look down on me for that i know people discriminate. I dont have rules for u to follow...so juz tag before u leave and dun spam or whatsoever and yepps- no ripping. and got to go! yeahh yees. LAST BUT NOT LEAST...ADD ME: andrewleong95@hotmail.com